My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.