If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You Might Also Like
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches