Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt