My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant