My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.