Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”