Why am I like this?
You Might Also Like
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.