“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Me when my alarm goes off
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮