Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You Might Also Like
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
That time Alicia messaged me
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging