I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Does this dress make me look cat?