My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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