10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
🦝🔥🦝🔥
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”