Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
You Might Also Like
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too