Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.