GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?