I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?