[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem