me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
5 ways to appear taller
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?