BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
United Steaks of America
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
watergate? u mean a dam??
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..