“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
accurate
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.