Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I hope they boil the right one.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!