This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it