It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
That’s no pocket rocket.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.