Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
tinder is all about the long game
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…