Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
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A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Do not levitate over flowers
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.