In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.