Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You Might Also Like
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”