Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
just pretend nothing happened
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?