Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
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Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho