ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.