“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
This January has 47 Mondays
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I’d … I’d rather not.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.