If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”