I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
You Might Also Like
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.