[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?