you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
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It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most