I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me, in DM rooms…
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.