Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?