I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
this is how life feels
anyone else like Italian cereal
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?