[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.