Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Cha-ching is my safe word
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway