My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
emergency phone
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)