My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Every work call, he judges.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though