creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me