Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?