Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
goldfish mafia