“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
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I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.