Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
You Might Also Like
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Lmao
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty