Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Bike for sale
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.