Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
You Might Also Like
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.