Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
honestly, i need both:
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”